All tagged healing

When the Heart Speaks, Or that Time I was Falsely Accused of Racism

In the fall of 2017, I suffered from a few palpitations. I chalked it up to severe exhaustion from participating in the development of a new broadway-bound musical. There is no excuse for art that breeds this level of exhaustion, other than the promise of a bottom line I will never see.

A few weeks ago, in the midst of yet another broadway-hopeful musical, the palpitations came back. In those moments when “symptoms” appear, the ghosts of diseases past whisper “did you miss us?” While my heart pounds pitter-patter in my throat, I worry the fairy tale is over—Prince Charming was a beast all along who can never be loved, changed, cured, or remedied. Miracles do not happen. I will always be broken, and the disease never left at all. Just another set of lies I like to tell myself in moments of doubt.

Sewing Seeds for 2019

But in an age that discourages exploration, we are left wading through the “could have beens.” Instead of breaking out of who we’ve evolved into/defined our selves as/let others mold us to be/ we continue to cultivate this version of ourselves. We give up on possibilities. Other lines of work become pipe dreams. Moving cities is too scary. We are bogged down the logistics, finances, and the rules of society we’re led to believe are true. You need to go back to school. You can’t go back to school it’s too expensive. You will never be able to afford a house on that income. It’s too hard to break out of your industry. A job is a job, does anyone really love theirs? These phrase bounce around our tired brains like the annoying music boxes our grandmothers gave us for Christmas when all we wanted was a four speed bike so we could get the hell out of our small town lives and explore what the world has to offer.

Now, some of us don’t live in these boxes. We’ve broken free. And we’re now the stuff of internet envy. Traveling the world. Working online. Living the “digital nomad” life. What even is a digital nomad? And in twenty years will you be proud to call yourself one?

Perhaps, the real problem is our need to label. The drive to define. The want to say “I am ____.” as opposed to just saying, “I am.”

Breaking Up With Illness, What Life Without Lyme is Really Like

Ten years ago, I was given a life sentence of Chronic Lyme Disease. It was horrifying and a relief all at once. Chronic illness conditions us to a mentality of stasis. What we are now is what we will always be. There is comfort in a reality of stasis. Without fear of the unknown, we can curl up in our little bubble of pills, supplements, brain fog, and heated blankets. It is safe here in the comfort of our distress.

The Oppression of Thought

I can't hear myself, if I don't have the chance to listen. 

I worry I’m too depressed to write.  Like a writer’s block in the form of a muzzle, straight jacket, and padded helmet, entirely impeding any sort of arrangement of words on a screen, page, Post-It or napkin crumpled in my car console.  When I take the Kaiser mental health quiz, which I highly encourage for any person looking for a laugh and the fastest diagnosis known to the internet, I question my first assessment. Am I too depressed, or are we all too depressed?  Rather than spiral an entire society into a deeper despair than this quiz can diagnose, I wonder if depression isn’t the problem at all?

I Had A Chinese Exorcism, And it Worked

In traditional Chinese medicine, the Seven Dragons treatment addresses possession.  Rather than just possession by spirits, the person is overtaken by beliefs or emotions collected in this life or a previous one.  They cannot live fully, and emptiness fills their eyes.  They are separated from the self.  My possession was anger.  The anger was stuck in my abdomen, she told me.  So, the Chinese Mrs. Kim silently said a prayer, and stuck seven points on my body with needles.  Each needle resonated like energetic ripples through my limbs and torso.  I began to relax, and think about my anger.

The True Cost of Health

What happens when this cost doesn't align with my lifestyle?

 Working for a non-profit has always aligned with my values, but my health costs don't align with my paycheck.  It's a catch-22.  Work more, to afford my health, sleep less and degrade my health.  

Either way, my checkbook and my body remain unbalanced.

I am far from alone in this vortex of health woes--our society has its priorities all wrong.  We eat on the go, valuing convenience over nutrition.  We skip out on check-ups, valuing the extra cash over a clean bill of health.  We opt for the quick fix, the band-aid of prescriptions that treat the symptoms because the cost of finding the root cause may be out of our budget.